Yes I have a body.....

When I became 11, and started having boobs everything changed. All of the sudden I am not seen as a child anymore, but as a woman. I got frightened in the beginning, when my mother advised me not to talk to men/boys. Why????? Are they bad? Are they evil?? The worst was I was advised not to touch my dad and brother. Mother was not very strict about this, but when my grandmother (athamma) visited our home she will scold me and my brother if we sit very closely to each other.

At school, the teachers insisted that I should wear half-saree or thaavani. This is a beautiful out-fit for teenage girls. :), later when I was in Ethiraj College at Chennai, which is a fashion hub of Chennai city, I used to wear thaavani almost every day to the college. The girls in mini-skirts and jeans used to love my full skirts, designed blouses and colorful thavanis. I enjoyed the beauty of that out-fit so much, that many of my class mates will be curious to see my new thavani patterns. But at the age of 11 wearing thavani became a punishment for me. I wanted to wear my short skirts, pants and just wanted to be free. I was always longing and dreaming to be free doing whatever I want, traveling wherever I want and then talking to boys/men so freely like the way I talk to girls/women. I never understood why my body has to be such an obstacle. Even now I don't understand. :(

I think most of the women in this culture might have gone through this. Perhaps I liked Europe so much because of the liberalism they had and that too the Dutch were perfect pals for me. :)...actually we (Indians) weren't like this in the past. Giving so much of importance to a woman's body. This is a land where many women mystics went naked among men, but this is also a land where a mystic-woman who was so fearful about her beauty prayed the lord to transform her to a ghost. Well we are in a land of paradox.

"Half of our time and energy goes in seeing where a woman's dupatta (shawl) is"- A Muslim leader commented this while he was addressing a crowd. I don't remember who exactly was this leader. Yes, this is even true in some of the most spiritual places on earth. Most of the media and literature waste their time and brain on exploring, talking, showing and praising this female body. I once heard from Sadhguru, that for Yogis their penus is as normal as their little finger. Then this also should be applicable for a woman's body. But sometimes even exposing Her little finger invites problem for her. :)

So as a woman for many years I asked "who am I?", why men are very curious about my body and why my fellow women are so paranoid about the same? When I was in a Samyama program I heard a story from Sadhguru. A bala yogi, who had never seen a woman from his childhood, finally met a woman. He was so confused seeing her breasts, as he had never seen a woman before. He asked her what this is, pointing at her breasts. She being a wise woman, instead of getting angry replied him with compassion and loves "this is the food for future generations". :)...Yes a woman's body has food for future generation. This is what I am, this why my body is made-up like this...so complex and so beautiful. Every single cell in my body is functioning every single second to make me a mother. So why to get paranoid about this...or try to hide it so much?

Mmmm I felt the same when I was in western part of the world where the body/beauty is used as a tool by the women. Another extreme...yes it is beautiful...so what? Celebrate it...but it is not just what I am. I am more than this body. Sadhguru says (though I cannot capture his exact words)"A woman either becomes a Barbie doll or like a man in today's world. This culture saw women with a fire in her and many of them were so fierce full. It is this fire which she can actually offer a man". :).....

I don't know whether it is this "fire" which I always experienced in my life. I was always carrying it with me, which made my ride throughout the world so effortless. Whenever people advice me to be careful with men, it is so amusing for me. I haven't seen even one single man in my life, which did not treat me with dignity and respect. Where are these bad men?.....May be this fire, this motherhood and this beauty is what a woman is and may be this is what a man always secretly search for...

But the question is, are we aware of this?