Love.........what it is for me?

All of the sudden I am reading too much about love. Everywhere. :)
I was reading this book of Sadhguru, the series of Sathsang talks he gave during the Himalayan trek. Sadhguru has always said (also in this book) that Love is not an action...but it’s just the way one should live, a very pleasant state of mind. I think for many of us this statement is absolutely fine. But most of the times the problems come only when we try to express this state of mind in our own ways. It’s different for different people. No matter how many philosophers, wise men or psychologists or even people who think they are smart tell you "how an ideal love should be" all those descriptions would not fit every single person on this planet. In the way they express love, each and everyone is unique. I think this is the beauty of love, that in the process of understanding each other you slowly come to a consensus on how you accept other's perceptions or expressions of love. One thing for sure...when you really believe or feel the other person is in love with you and it’s not a stupid game of utilizing each other, then neglecting that person or his/her love just because that person's perception or expression of love doesn’t fall in line with what you believe is really stupid. In a way it’s sad because we are losing something so beautiful in life. On a gross level...it is not a loss, because this planet anyway has 6 billion people so we can always find people who agree with us. But on a subtle level, it is a big loss.

If I look back, in my life some of the best relationships I have are not because of love. All these beautiful people came in to my life when I intellectually attracted them or vice versa. Then some of them slowly evolved in to great friendships or great relationships. I can list few people in that category. Ramesh, Carmen, Raja, Thekka/Prabha, Abhigail, Jonathan, guus, Anand, Manjeet, Mirjam, robbert, Ram, lesley, firas, Ricardo and some of my professors (this list goes on). This list would also include some teachers and principals of Isha Vidhya schools. The other day I was very tired and while talking to the principal of one of our schools I said "I feel very tired....feel like sleeping if I have a bed in the office". She replied in a loving tone "I can give you my shoulders or lap". It all of the sudden put me under embarrassment. :)....I have a very professional relationship with this person and the way she expressed her love made me feel shy or hesitant. However, I understood the innocence in that expression and said Thank you...that very kind of you. May she might have felt like that at that very moment....I am capable of attracting personal relationships at work :)...as most of my close friends are from my previous scientific labs and universities.

However, when I recollect what had actually happened when I felt intense love or longing or passion towards people, then it only shows that almost every single time I failed. It actually started with my athamma and pethamma (my maternal grand-ma and aunty). They both brought me up until I was 5 yrs and then I went back to my parents place. I felt this deep longing for them...the love I had for both of them is unexplainable. They both, though two different persons in reality, within me they existed as a single person. When I write letters to them, it will be a single letter. Unfortunately I could never go back to them and both of them when they left this world I was so far away not even aware of their illness and suffering.
This happened again and again later in my life. With few people I will feel the same longing and love and that too within the short period of time. Almost every single time that person would feel either I am too intense or possessive or they will take my love and presence for granted. :)

It’s only very rarely few of these (one or two) people understood me...and when it happened they got excited about my relationships with them. Just a phone call or an email or a greeting card from me would excite them so much that it’s even so amusing for me at times. But with lot of other people I had to leave them and move away since this lack of understanding was always very painful and confusing for both the parties.

Looking back I am wondering why with these few people I felt in this way...as Ramesh once said to me, may be I am uneducated in this particular subject. May be I am so rustic or raw or simple in expressing myself. But it’s good that I met all these wonderful people because my life would not be the same without these people, my love for them will always be the same even if I have moved away from them. This hope that one day at least one or two of them will understand and appreciate me is still within me.